我爱的人。。。她已有了爱人。。。

well, as the title shows, she found her mr right. it saddens me alot. i'm trying to be happy for her but i just can't. i'm lost. totally lost!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what am i supposed to do?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?

i've always told people that now isn't a right time to go through all these. i've always questioned people what are they trying to prove? i've always asked the purpose of them going through it. and now i'm into this myself. wtf?!?!? what's wrong with me?!?!?!?!?

anyway, it's not the end of the day. maybe i'll go for a dip, clear my mind. no high speed adventure this week...

my mistake about friends

it's amazing how a lil chat can bring up all kinds of mixed emotions. i had a chat with my hou heng tai yesterday evening, and he asked me what do i do during holidays, and who do i hang out with. the first thought that struck my mind was; i don't have any friends to hang out with back at home. and that of course, was my answer to him. i seldom hang out with anyone during my holidays. i don't think i have any friends left. my sincere apologies to those who still take me as a friend (not that they know bout this blog anyway).

maybe i took things too seriously back then. but i can't really recall hanging out with my usual group of friends. i can't recall a thing during the spm holidays. the only thing i remember is hiking up way past maxwell hill, right until gunung hijau, with two of my friends. nothing else besides that. the thing is, i don't share the same interest with them.

their activities were all about CS in the cybercafes, snooker, football, and yum char at night. i have little or no interest at all in things they do. i'm ok with CS but i just don't get the point wasting money on cybercafes (well i am happily CS-ing here for free). we just don't share the same interest. i'm more to the outdoor type. so i took my own route, jogging, walking around, going to the lake gardens, doing stuff which i enjoyed more than them. and i think that's the turning point of my friendship. i turned down numerous calls to CS, snooker, etc etc. i had only three or four friends back then. there was just this one friend who was quite with me though. but anyway, i did what i wanna do, and spent the spm holidays quite alone, but i wasn't sad or depressed being alone. in fact, i enjoyed it. and soon i got wind bout me being anti social, 'beh cham' (hokkien) and things like that. at that time, it didn't bother me at all. i just let it all be. i was happy with what i was doing, and somewhat glad that i wasn't in the group anymore (or so i thought).

and then there was this night where i finally gave in. one of my friend asked me out at night, yum char. i thought i should give myself a break. so i joined them, only to remind me of the bad side of people. during the time when i was alone, i kept thinking of memories of them which i just can't forget. no, they weren't happy ones. those were the bad side of people. so when i met up with them again, it only confirmed my thoughts. to name a few, one of them is super stingy, and he knows how to use his friends quite well, effortless. it is just natural to him i guess. another one is super annoying, with his ever so loud laugh, and his two faces; one for guys, another one for girls. maybe he just can't help it coz we studied in an all boys' school. another one is so damn arrogant (and rich), he actually complains about how the school uses his dad's DONATION! and there was this other fella who is super extra know it all, and wants everyone to accept his decision, and the list of people go on and on. it's not that i want to remember all these things, but somehow it's engraved in my mind. i still remember very well all the bad sides, or rather weaknesses, of my friends. that, in a way, irritated me a lot. irresponsible, arrogant, two timers, almost everything negative, i saw in them!

so as i was chatting with my friend yesterday, i realized that maybe i over reacted. maybe i took things too seriously. maybe i was being too sensitive. i came to my senses when i was relating an incident to him, that everyone has a bad side to show. everyone isn't perfect. nobody is. maybe i showed something really bad bout myself to them too. and it's all about acceptance. just accept those people for who they are. it isn't their fault to be arrogant. it isn't their fault to be irresponsible, it isn't their fault to have negative sides. maybe they hate their bad sides too. maybe they just can't help it. i dunno...maybe they tried to reach out to me, but i was so ignorant, i didn't notice. maybe they tried to get me back to the group. there are so many maybes here. i just didn't know.

here's a sincere apology to those who got offended with my actions back then. it's a sad thing i realize it two years after i left school. i'm sorry for my actions back then, and for the past two years too. so apologies - done. but i'm still not too sure bout forgive, forget, and accepting. i don't think i have anything to forgive... coz the fault wasn't theirs, and i wasn't offended in any way at all. i can't seem to forget their stuff... but i'll try my best to accept them. i'll see how things go. sigh...

of tyre and heart

i don't really enjoy talking bout my daily adventures. i prefer to talk bout emotions more than anything else. but there is this thing which i relate very closely to my feeling at that time of the event. i dunno why. here goes..

i went to putrajaya for my weekly dose of the addictive roti boy on saturday evening. the addiction wasn't the main reason i went out. i needed some space. i needed a breather. i waited the whole weekend but nobody ever onlined. so off i went to putrajaya, to lighten up myself a bit. i had my roti boy. and it was just right to lift me up a bit. i almost forgot bout everything (i even forgot bout my lab report) coz i was so damn high (doing 110km/h when i was on my way back) but someone i wasn't really confident in the bike, something was wrong. very wrong. it's the first time i ever felt insecure on a bike.

anyway, i came back in a piece, nothing bad really happened. the bad stuff happened only when i wanted to go out again at night. the rear tyre was, and still is, punctured. yeps, which means i won't be going out anytime soon. at that moment, when i found out the tyre was puncture, i suddenly felt emotions running high. i felt as though my heart was punctured as well (no, i'm not emotionally attached to the bike). but it's more to what happened that day reflected what i was trying to hide... what i was trying not to notice.

punctured tyre, punctured heart, emotions leaking out. perfect combination for the night. i felt that if things are meant to be like that, i can't stop it from happening. i can't stop air leaking out from the tyre can i? i felt that i had to give up on something when the time comes. i felt very strongly that i should let go these emotions (let go as in forget about it, not burst it out). i tried to, and it's hard. it's not easy to forget as air leaks out. it takes a lot of effort. put that aside, and things will be fine. 'bottle up old love and throw it to the sea,' someone once 'sang' it to me. easier said than done i'd say.

anyway, that's the relationship between a punctured tyre and a broken heart of mine. i haven't conclude bout my decision yet... coz i don't really know what to do. different time zones, different priorities, different everything. here's one for myself, and of course, the punctured tyre.

waiting...

i've been putting all my effort for the past few days to search for songs which are reflecting my mood right now...songs with a lot of emotions. sad, depressed, i don't really know. all i know is these emotions are the result of waiting...

i've been waiting for someone for a very very long time already. haven't show up for a few days already. maybe it's because of the different time zones we are in. maybe it's because of studies... assignments perhaps? maybe it's because of some probs... access to the internet, computer problem, something else?

i can't believe i'm doing this to myself. i'm trying to put up a mask to hide all these emotions but it is hard to pretend that everything will be fine eventually. and to add to the emos, i have a midterm test tonight, and i'm totally unprepared for it. and i despise myself for the effort that i'm putting in. not enough, no not enough!

hope someone, somewhere will end my misery... if only i can have what i want... what i long for... ah.. just another day of hopes and wishes...

early morning?

i woke up early today, around 6am. i was hoping to meet someone online. well 6am may be early here, but it's somewhat late over there. 11pm to be exact. and met her i did. but...it was more to a disappointment than spirit lifting.

she was like...not wanting to chat...with monosyllable 'yes, ok, yea, good's i was so hurt (yeps, me hurting myself again) and then there she went to watch a movie. yea, my fault again because it was i who recommended that movie to her. but hey, since it's still so early i waited for her to finish the two and a half hour's show.

i thought she'd be a bit comfortable after the show...but no, it was still the same...she went off to do her stuff, searching for pictures of someone in the movie...and we didn't really chat...

this feeling is damn horrible! someone reminded me a moment ago...things won't always come our way, even if we put effort into it...i guess that is so freaking true for me...all i wanted was just a little attention...

oh well...maybe she's tired? sleepy perhaps? i know all these are self induced...i am the one causing myself this pain. i'll be taking a breather in a mo. i just hope i won't drive too fast...

of thanks yous and you are welcomes?

i have received quite a number of thank yous for the past day. at first i felt really nice because i THOUGHT i was helping them out...but come to think bout it, am i really that helpful? if so, why am i in my current state right now? i feel so hopeless... so lifeless... so helpless... nobody can tell why am i the way i am now. only i myself know the answer... but i have yet to find it.

for yesterday i've been chatting quite a lot. actually i wasn't really in the mood to chat. i was waiting. but somehow i read some stuff and eventually one thing leads to another. before i noticed, i was already chatting. and later at night, there was this another fella onlined, who is quite disappointed because of friends i think... now this fella lost contact with previous schoolmates. all i did was just copy and paste... there we go, another thank you for the record. much more later, there was this fella who was in a really messed up relationship. to share a boyfriend with another person? that guy's a jerk. he wanted both girls! what else? told that fella to get out from that unnecessary stuff, and another thank you for the night. then there was this sad and angry fella who was bored. and i was still waiting. off i went for another chat... needless to say, another thank you. and today, another thank you from the same first thank you fella last night.. i still don't get what today's thank you is for, but anyway, another one down in the record.

so, back to the question, am i really that helpful? or were the thank yous just 'fillers'? you know those kinda words that people usually use to fill up empty chats. or am i being perasan again? i dunno.. only they know. if i'm really that helpful, i really wish i could help a few people in my life; my family, hm..UK? and of course, the blogger himeself, me.

me? a smooth typer?

sure or not? am i a smooth typer? dont think so, and i dont fancy being one neither. but when i see other people's probs, words just flow smoothly, swiftly from my fingers when i comment on it :) seem so effortless to do it...but i dunno whether my comments hurt :p

thoughts and speech

why do i always say things that i don't want to? i "good bye"d a person i really wanna talk to...i haven't had a nice chat for a long long long time already...

ME: didnt see you online for so long ady...even if see you also didnt really chat. it's either you busy or i dun have pc to use...everytime also like that wan
HER: i cant chat with u too much ar...i wanna study ar....coz last nite i slept at 9sth pm...havent touch my books oso
ME: ok ler then...studies more important..go study ler...
HER: c ya
ME: sorry to disturb you...enjoy your day!!
HER: u too
ME: my day gonna end ady lor :p

i very much wanted her to stay...oh well...i'm always like this...someone else's stuff is more important than my own...

"quote myself"

"taking big steps to travel the extra distance, not to save time"

irritation

it's VERY easy to irritate someone when i'm down with my mood. i 'nite'd someone without an ending to our conversation...regrets? not sure for now. but i'm sure one stuck up fella...

of screams, shouts and yells

i thought last night would be enjoyable. i thought...so i thought. i thought my saturday night would be relaxing...so i thought again. once too often thoughts and realities clash which results in "i-wanted-it-this-way" to be "I-DON'T-WANT-THIS-TO-HAPPEN" situation. it's quite depressing to be actually in that situation.

i think it was slightly just after 10 last night where this girl came up here. okay, so she's one of my ex-housemate, so what? i hardly know her, and if not for the ex-housemate status, i'd call her a stranger! back to the point, so she came up at around 10, and i was standing in front of the computer, waiting for some antivirus scan (god knows what infected this pc) and some kinda ad aware thingy (god knows what it is) coz there were some probs with the pc. and here she came, like she's one hella big shot, standing beside me, shouting like a mad bitch at me, and all she wanted was to use the pc for some stupid chinese drama serials.

and so i was being bullied. or something like being bullied. i'm not sure what bullying is, but i'm sure it's someting close to it. once again i've been proven that my emotions get stirred up easily...once again i've been proven that i seldom stand up for myself...once again i've been proven i am lame. so now i'll be proven a minus point for myself. all i can do is i wanted to do this, i wanted to do that but i'll never be able to do it. what the heck? i'll carry on with my wanted to dos.

i wanted to give her one tight slap, but i didn't. i wanted to ask her to leave, but i didn't. i wanted to sit down and pretend nothing happened, continue scanning the pc, yet again, i didn't. here's my rationale...it sounds really stupid, and i know i'll sound pathetic when i read this again, but i didn't want to hurt anyone. i still have to bear with these people for two more years, and i don't want to make anyone annoyed. but ironically, i've been hurt, i've been annoyed.

to get a nice session of screaming and yelling was a real eye opener for me. i now know her true colours. and i'll be annoyed everytime i see her. anger raging through my mind! and it reminded me my weakness, which are my social skills, my emotions...sadly my personality.

morning...

once too often, the never ending marathon of thoughts running through my mind wake me up early in the morning...well that's what happened to me a few moments ago...here i am, yawning my way through 6am, but can't seem to get a good sleep. i think i was thinking bout something, and when i began to online, i saw what i was thinking about. well, not bad eh to have things i want. but then things are not always the way i want it to be...

to see someone i like the first thing i wake up really freshens me alot! it gave a whole new kind of strength no other caffein can do the job, but it is a lot more addictive than a cup of coffee, or a can of coke. they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but i'd say absence makes the heart grow heavier. the intensity of emotions that i always go through is unpredictable and it's much more stronger nowadays...that means i'm a lot more moody than before...i get so sensitive at times and only yesterday i got my mood contolled by comments so hurtful at that time, but it was just some lame i-know-it-all comment otherwise.

i never knew liking someone will be this difficult...emotions running high...sensitivity running high...depression seeping in...sleepless nights...and the neverending wait...but i'll never wish to have this emotions taken away. someone once told me that bad or good emotions, we'll have to enjoy every moment of it. if not, we are just the same as the dead. quite true, isn't it?

i wonder why am i feeling so negative about this thing? maybe because i know that i'm just being naive? hoping that someday she'll realize? that won't happen for sure. if someone were to realize something out of the blue, then i won't need to be studying anymore. i won't need to seek knowledge anymore...but deep down inside, i really hope she'll realize. oh well...here goes my mood blast again...it's good morning for me, and good night for her...

:(

the furthest distance from me to you is not across the globe, it's when you are right in front of me, but you don't know how i feel towards you...

perasan?

how do you know that you aren't being perasan? how do you know that the person at the other end likes you too? i think i've been lying to myself lately to make myself happy. i thought i did things right. i thought i didn't screw things up. i'm not saying i screw things up between us, but i screwed up my own emotions :(

i thought being there when someone needs a shoulder is the best thing to do. i thought making someone feel 'homely' when she's abroad will make her feel warm. i thought she needed friendship. i thought she wanted someone to talk to. i thought she needed some attention. i thought being out there alone is real tough. i thought she might have something for me.

i thought i was making her happy. i thought she needed only me. i thought doing sentimental stuff will touch her heart. i thought i would be happy by making her happy. i thought i was there for her all the time. i thought i was doing the right thing for her...

but the truth is, she may not even notice things which i have done. she may not even know the emotions i'm putting in. she may not even want me to be there. she may even think i'm just playing around, bothering her.

maybe i have blinded myself all these time. i really don't know what to do. to keep on trying, persuing what i want, or just give up on what i've already worked on...i want her to know so much that i'll always be waiting...i may not know her well enough, i may not be what she wants, but i'll wait...